the changing landscape

moody blue skies from Portishead Marina Bristol
Yesterday I talked about a changing landscape. An internal landscape. At least that's what I felt I was talking about. Our view of things begins to change but we still find ourselves looking at old ways and behaviours and situations, which don't just go away over night. We would like to just ditch them and run for hills, and may have just done in the past. And now know that running isn't the answer and that we are in it. In it for all it's worth. All the situations we can turn around into gold, if we can only find the way.

But still, yesterday I listened to a podcast where the lady who mistakenly married very young, realized that her relationship was making her ill and that one day, she left that relationship. All the other elements in her life stayed the same, work, friends, interests. But leaving that one element behind, changed everything and her health return, almost overnight. Just by changing one thing.

This story speaks to me. Some elements of my life feel stuck. Like I'm not thriving. I'm stuck in situations with people which show no sign of changing. Truthfully I know life is always changing, because that's what it does, but which thing can I change? deep down I know it's the house I live in. I've had lodgers living here for the last 10 years, the whole time in fact. It's brought some great times and I've met some lovely people who have become friends. The financial aspect has been much needed. But for the last few years it has been waning. One situation there feels stuck, and although I feel I understand the reasons why and have worked hard to raise the vibration around it. It needs to change. On a personal level I find they don't completely honour who I am. It feels like looking at an old program which needs an update. And it could also be a mirror of some aspect of me which needs to change. I know that too. I feel like I am in stalemate. I start to feel myself shrinking and the walls build up higher. And I want to break free of them.

And then within our family situation there is one element that just won't change. I feel I've tried everything. Persuasion, force, therapy, modeling behaviour, I'm trying acceptance now. but you still know it's happening and your still collaborating. I can't change anyone can I and I can't save anyone else either. That's hard. That's a big lesson for me. I can only state my truth I think. Live my truth. Even if at times I'm still caught up in other peoples stuff.

So maybe at some point I will move. Maybe all the other elements will stay the same, and maybe some will change around that, we will have to see. Changes will be a foot eventually. Perhaps I will move to the coast. It's a process isn't it and we are all in it. 


On my blog, I guess things have changed here. I've been absent. I don't read blogs anymore. I've enjoyed the freedom of that. I don't have a blog reader anymore. Although I had to scramble mine because, they don't actually let you leave. I follow by email on some.

I took my blog roll down this morning. Perhaps I will gradually re-instate it with a few people who are on my radar. I've been enjoying a few minimalist living blogs and I haven't given up on my creativity, which I hope to build my new life around in some way. This seems to be a time of shedding for me, and then looking more closely at what is still there. I'm enjoying instagram. My shop seems to have sat in that static place which I find other areas of my life are in. I'm not quite sure what to make of that, except maybe other people aren't as keen on the denim backing as I am! and do I want to keep making cushions anyway? I think I will take down my Etsy badge to, see who I am without that here. 

So I may ramble here for a while. It feels like it's really just me and my waffle so far. But I like this space, always have and may waffle here some more. Like a journal perhaps. I can't do nicey nice right now. I have this piece of grit to roll around first and who knows maybe it will become a pearl, one day in the future. 

May the day bring you clarity and strength,






hello again

outside my front door - leaves in the sunlight
It's nice to post a new picture here. It's a relief, I kept popping in and seeing the same picture, and you know what they say, that change is good. I  hope I'm emerging now with the spring. When I go away from my blog, it's like going on a journey, even if only virtually. I take my little suitcase and explore high and low until I discover new things, and new inspirations. I find something new in myself. Probably something which has always been there, but I often need to see it in the mirror outside first. Sometimes it's something I don't like and often it arrives at the same time as a new and shiny impulse. Like being shown the new and the old at the same time. The urge to jump ship is huge. Other continents wave at me like sunny, beckoning friends. To find the new perfect life which surely awaits, just over there. The one where I don't have to try to untangle myself and burst out from places where I feel suffocated. I think we often arrive at the new, still dragging our old and worn out patterns and behaviours behind, like crazy tin cans on a 'just married' car. As we try and shake and kick them off, we realize that they were the vehicle that brought us here, and should probably be honoured. Indeed.

 Happy spring friends,